Truth Story

In a mood

to pick fights. Which is one of the dumbest moods I get. I’ve kept it to stupid stuff so far, and am going to try to bite my tongue to keep it from going further.

It’s all stupid domestic crap. Stuff where I won’t have to deal with it when I’m not living with M. (I wrote that sentence as a hypothetical, then changed it, because yeah, this is definitely going to happen and I need to start getting used to it.)

Thought even more about coming out to another friend. I’ve been thinking about telling her for a while. I really like her, and am pretty positive she’d be cool about it - but she’s got a lot of other drama happening in her life, and she’s also maybe closer friends with M, so it would likely put her in an awkward position that she really doesn’t need right now.

The uncertainty of everything is just brutal. Sigh.

darklyaddled asked: Sorry to hear she popped that on you. I can kinda relate atm. I came out to my gf Sat, and then Sun she commented on possibly speeding up my move from Dec as planned to maybe Oct. She doesn't seem to be wasting much time getting used to me leaving finally now that the truth is out, though she realized quick how that isn't going to work and blew it off. I hope you can get things worked out. Sounds like a move would be really good for you. *hugs*

I’m sorry to hear about your situation - I hope for the best for you, too.

It took me a long while after coming out to her to realize that this was going to be the end of us - she’s a straight, cis, mildly transphobic woman, and all that’s just not changing. I held onto the hope of staying with her, but she’s been inflexible. Ending it will hurt, a lot, but I know it’s what I need to do.

I hope things go well for you. I hope you can find peace with your situation, much as I’m trying to with mine.

braveandblind asked: It sounds like the cogs are turning on eventual closure with this relationship you're in, one way or another. This person is holding you back, and you need to blossom on your own. You're about to start a whole new and exciting chapter in your life, and you can't be around such negativity so close to yourself. Caterpillar into butterfly. <3

That’s very sweet of you to say - it’s hard to stay positive right now; I’m honestly pretty terrified. This whole situation feels so precarious, and I don’t quite feel like I’m ready to handle things. I wish I had another month to save money before this happened, so I’d be a little safer from my worst-case scenario. (On the other hand, this makes my worst-case scenario seem that much less likely…)

Our lease here is up at the end of August. If I play this right, I have three months to save about $600 and to find a new place to live. All while continuing to work three jobs, and also trying to hide how excited I really am about the prospect of living apart from M. I am exhausted and excited and terrified and basically all of the feels. 

I’d like to be a butterfly. Maybe by the end of the year. 

(apologies for rambling, mostly not actually in response to you, and thanks again for the kind words - they’re very helpful to me right now.)

Explanation

We were having lunch, and she says we need to talk about our living situation. She restates that she wants to move from our current apartment, and suggests that maybe we should think about me moving to a place of my own.

I am floored. I try to play it cool, saying that I need to think more about it, but that yeah, maybe it could be a good idea.

And she says she doesn’t want to do anything so rash as break up. Which, obviously, I do, but if we stayed together through a move to separate apartments, it could be a lot easier to break up afterward.

She also talked more about the nightgown, and wanted me to understand exactly how she felt about that. And I just couldn’t respond. I wanted to say that, however uncomfortable I made her then, being closeted at home makes me that uncomfortable every day. But I couldn’t.

But I’m so surprised - I really didn’t think she had this in her. And I need to figure out how to handle this so that things go how I want them to.

Feeling sort of optimistic about this, but also deeply freaked out. Because this is a change to the situation, and changes to the present make the future more uncertain.

Again: holy shit

I can’t go into detail right now, but shit with M just got really heavy. I’m safe, but kind of freaked out and overwhelmed. I will try to share more later today.

Queer and Transgender

braveandblind:

I went to a lesbian bar the other night with my partner. Well, supposedly, technically, it was a lesbian bar, but it seemed decidedly unlesbian when we went.

In fact, it was, apparently, transgender night. At first, I thought, well, cool, there are people there that I can relate to, it’ll be fun. Maybe I’ll get to meet some interesting trans-people.

The bar, that night, basically consisted of thus:

1. Gay men
2. Straight men apparently chasing trans-women.
3. Glammy make-up soaked trans-women in designer skimpy dresses.

Like, literally, no lesbians. At a lesbian bar.

It got me thinking: I don’t relate to a lot of trans-women. I’m not “glamorous” in the traditional female sense. In fact, I don’t feel particularly femme a lot of the time. I mean, yes, I’m female, but I’m more of a tomboy of sorts. I hardly ever wear dresses, and when I do, it’s either a fairly formal occasion, or it’s a dress that is kind of an anti-dress, something a little less prettyand more punky. I don’t usually wear a lot of makeup. I hate painted nails, except darker, bold colors. I hate lipstick. I hate talking about purse brands and fancy shoes (I own a pair of Converse, some flats for when I do wear a dress, and sandals, and that’s all). My hair is pretty short, too.

And maybe these sorts of trans-women aren’t the majority. But many of the trans-women I have met in my area identify as straight women who fall under many of the traditional gender roles. I’m kind of an outlier, it seems. I identify more with a lot of lesbians than I do with straight women. I always have. I went through a phase when I was a boy where I was like, “Okay, I’m feminine. That means I’m gay.” But it never fit. I was trying to view myself through the lenses of a male when I really should have thought outside the box a bit more. I eventually did, and realized that I wasn’t really that attracted to men at all (my significant other is a trans-male, but I don’t think I could ever be with a cis-male, and these thoughts are confusing to me sometimes, and sometimes I feel like I’m offensive for feeling this way). I hated the femmy way gay men dressed. I always saw lesbians and knew that I was closer aligned to that category. And it seems that we are few and far between.

I guess I’m wondering if there are more people out there like me, who transitioned and decided that they were the opposite gender of their birth, but ended up being gay in their target gender. I have a friend who is like this, but he’s a trans-male. I’m sure it’s more common than I realize; I just haven’t met many in person.

From one queer trans-girl to another…do you exist?

Hello.

Hi! I exist!

I was in denial for a really long time about being trans, and my continuing attraction to women was one of many factors - I had no role models for trans lesbianism, and while I didn’t think it was impossible, it just seemed less probable to me. Ironically, my continued attraction to dykey looking ladies was a definite factor in my admitting that I’m trans :)

I haven’t met hardly any trans folk in person at all (I’m mostly pre-transition and fairly closeted) but of the few I know, there’s at least one lesbian. And I’m sure that I’ve seen a bunch around tumblr - we’re not as rare as you may be thinking!

Random pleasantry

I had a customer at work today - a twenty-something lady by herself. She was friendly but not super-effusive, and I was friendly back, since it’s my job to be. But after I’d brought her a beer, and taken her food order, she told me that I had one of the friendliest, kindest, most open faces she’d ever seen.

I was caught fairly off guard - but it meant a lot to me, because I really do want to be seen that way, and I worry sometimes that face doesn’t really express all that as much as I wish. And it maybe shouldn’t matter, but she was also quite cute, which made it feel better, for sure.

The last two hours, I’ve been feeling a little high from this exchange, and smiling wider and with more confidence. The only part I don’t like is that I’m in guy-mode, and also really should’ve shaved today, so my face is especially in guy-mode. But oh well - I still feel warm.

Accountability mini-update

I was so stoked to set up a proper savings account mostly because it’s the kind where every time I use my check card for anyone, a dollar gets added to my savings. (Side note: if you have to use a national bank ever, Wells Fargo has been decent to me so far.) So, since setting up the account, I’ve saved an extra $17 without even trying. So:

Current savings: $367

And while I have not intentionally hurt myself, I did get really drunk on Thursday night, and seem to have bruised myself up pretty well by falling around the apartment. There’s a big green one on my forearm of which I’m sort of enjoying the presence.

dressless asked: Ugh, please drop her T___T *bigger hugs*

*hugs back* - I swear, I’m working on it! Working more, saving money, and also today I started reaching out to people about possible places to live.

She just made a big show

of throwing away the nightgown. Because I slept in it once. And she suggested that I should get her a replacement as a “present”.

What the fuck - how hurtful and cruel can you be?

Of course I took it out of the trash. It’s fucking *mine* now, if she’s going to be like this.

vizzz:

Owning lots of books + zero upper body strength + moving = ???

FUCK MOVING

I love my books but have had to get rid of so many because it’s just too brutal having to move them every year or so. My sympathies.

dressless asked: Ugh, you really need to drop her :/ *huuuuuuugs*

Gosh, tell me about it.

Ughhhh

Crazy hung over

But also

I wore a nightgown to bed last night because M told me she was sleeping at our friend’s house, and I thought I could get away with it. But she came home after all, and demanded I take it off. And then this morning she gave me a very stern lecture about how I’m not to wear or borrow any of her clothes without her permission.

And I understand, a bit. I would rather not have to be so furtive. She said, “I can’t even imagine what possessed you…” and I thought, of course you fucking can’t: you have *no idea*, because you’ve jammed your head in the sand.

I’m so ready to not have to deal with this shit.

holy shit you guys

I just came out to my brother. I just came out to my brother.

I went to a bar for a friend’s birthday/going away party. And J was there, and her girlfriend. And after a few drinks and some talking, I came out to her girlfriend (after she’d been explaining her tattoo which is more or less about gender confusion, and she was clearly a cute butchy, so yeah), and I felt really great about that.

And weirdly, I’m a regular at this bar, and so is my brother, but we’ve actually never been there at the same time before tonight. But he and his girlfriend were there, and we were talking, and I was drunk, and I got told that I needed to get home on my own. So I asked him for a ride. And at the end that ride, I decided I should come out to him. So I did.

I told my brother that I’m trans.

This is fucking massive.

The thought of telling anyone in my family has been such a barrier, and I was honesly kind of worried about how he’d take it. And he was fine - I know from his language in the past that he’s not the most sensitive dude, but he’s known other trans people, and he seemed okay with it. We’re probably going to have to have other conversations about it. 

But right now it feels good, and like progress, and I’ll take that.

And I need to have another drink to avoid overthinking this, and to get to sleep so I can get up and work day-walker hours.

What a fucking crazy day, though. Life’s ill.

That meeting

with the old friend actually went really, really well. I worried about not having enough to talk about, after some lengthy emails, but we got on very well. I hadn’t really thought to be nervous until I actually got to the cafe we were meeting at, and then it hit me, but it passed within minutes of his arrival.

He asked a few questions about my transition at the end - mostly wanting to know how far I was going to go, and what procedures were important to me. And he asked a little about the costs if various things, and my financial/relationship situation in general, and there was an awkward moment where I thought he was going to offer me money (he’s not exactly rich, but very comfortable right now), and I don’t know what I would have done if he had.

But really, 98% good and positive. He wants me to visit him in Oregon sometime; I have to strongly consider it.